When I was reading Allison McCann’s article, “How Facebook Ruined Dating (And Breaking Up Too),” a question she posed caught my attention.
“Can I admit to knowing things you’ve done (based on your pics) before we go on dates? (McCann)”
It made me think about how common Facebook creeping is. So often teens, myself included, will look up other people that they’ve never even met hoping to get a better picture of what this person is like. We’re curious; we want to know this information before having to get to know someone. However, I think that Facebook creeping hinders our ability to build relationships with these people.
More times than not, I feel like we decide whether or not we want to get to know and be friends with these people based off of what we see on their profile. If we don’t like what we see, we don’t even give them a chance. Just the other day, I heard two girls talking about their first impressions of people based on their profile pictures. As a result of viewing these profile pictures, these girls had made assumptions about what they thought each person was going to be like and then decided whether or they thought they were going to be friends with these people. They had never even met the people that they had checked out on Facebook, but they allowed their preconceived notions to affect their openness to forming a relationship with these people. As it turns out, only one of their assumptions turned out to be true. Luckily for them though, they were forced to spend time with these people, so they actually got to know them in person and did form friendships with them. Even though this worked out for them, I don’t think that this is the case for most people. I think that after judging someone, we often don’t change our mind unless there is evidence to disprove our assumption. In regards to Facebook creeping though, if we don’t like what we see, we usually don’t try to learn more about the person.
Thus, although Facebook creeping can make getting to know information about someone easier, I think that we should allow people to do the talking, not their profiles. There’s so much that could be misconstrued because we might not understand the intention behind other peoples’ pictures or posts that this could lead us to have false perceptions about someone. We could potentially be missing out on a great friendship because we aren’t willing to give someone a chance. This is why I think that it’s important to get to know people in person. It will give them the chance to present themselves as they really are and it will allow us to make a decision, based on what we know to be true, on whether or not we want to pursue a friendship with this person.
My response to your initial question, “Can I admit to knowing things you’ve done before we go on dates,” would be, “Sure, why not?” If the material was publically posted on Facebook, it is fair game. I doubt that it would be worth the time and mental energy for one to over analyze this somewhat trivial aspect of their relationship.
As to the next point, I would argue that people who judge others based on their Facebook profile often do in person as well. Facebook simply makes it easier for them to judge more people. I don’t think that an accurate judgment of a person can be made based on 30 seconds of material, weather that be on Facebook or in person. So I would definitely agree with the idea that people need to meet in person, and spend time getting to know one another before they make any judgments about one another.
Rachel,
This is a great article. I think the largest conclusion I can draw from this along with prior knowledge/experience is that PEOPLE ARE NOT THEIR FACEBOOKS.
I went on a six-week long trip the summer before my senior year of high school. About two months before the trip a Facebook group was created to help us get to know each other and ask questions. One girl, posted constantly, asking questions and posting about every little thing that was going on in her preparation for the trip. To be honest, it drove me crazy. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even read her posts because their were so many of them and they all seemed so dumb. So, when I met her two months later, I was really surprised to find that she was actually incredible sweet and very quite. Not annoying at all.
There was another girl who was going on the trip who seemed great over Facebook. We messaged each other back and forth for the two months before the trip. We seemed to have a lot in common and I figured we would be the best of friends once we finally met in person. Ironically, we didn’t hit it off at all. It wasn’t that we hated each other we just weren’t the kinds of people who would be friends.
That being said, I think that Facebook gives an incredibly unrealistic picture of who people are.
There was a study done by Albert Mehrabian that found that text is only 7% of communication. The other 93% is made up of 38% tone of voice and 55% percent body language. So, as we judge people just from what we see on Facebook we are observing their physical appearance and 7% of how they communicate. I think this is really interesting and am working personally to now let myself judge people based on Facebook because in the end all that does is make me look silly.
My general rule is if you are friends with the person on Facebook it is okay to admit seeing something on their profile. If I’m not friends with someone but have looked at their profile, I usually wait for them to tell me about whatever it is I saw. However, I don’t really see this harming relationships. Especially now that I’m at college I find it helpful. After meeting someone only once or twice I can look at their profile and see what they might be interested in. I sometimes do make judgements based on what I see, but I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing. Let’s say someone invites you to go to a party on the weekend, but you saw a Facebook post about their party that got busted last weekend. This might make you think twice about your decision.
I do still think that face to face first impressions are very important. There is still something to be said about the information that can be gathered on Facebook. An online profile may allow you to judge aspects of someone’s life that may not come up in day to day encounters, but are still important to developing a friendship. Facebook is a good way to gather information, but one must be careful how they use that information to choose friends and create relationships.
Rachel,
I agree that there are relationship opportunities passed up because of what we see on while “creeping” on one’s facebook. I find this is incredibly sad that we have resorted to this instead of the old fashioned telephone call or dare I say it- human interaction. When this year started, I saw many of my friends recieve their letters informing them who there roommate-to-be was. Almost immediately, the “creeping” started. They would sit behind their laptops asking rhetorical questions about who they percieved this stranger to be. On more than one occasion, the question of “switching” roommates arose after only a few minutes on a page. I guess this can be seen as a blessing and a curse as we are able to gain information quickly but we cut out the human interaction and the vulnerability that comes with it when we “creep”. At the same time we also lose what we would get out of hearing the information from the person themselves. For example, when someone gets engaged and immediately it goes on Facebook, it becomes less exciting than if they told you in person. Yes, you may shreek or dance around with joy, but the second time around, the information doesn’t harbour the same response. Often I find that if someone has already seen or heard what you have to say via facebook or twitter, all interest goes out the window. We cannot force ourselves to focus on “old news” because there is so much more that is happening right now that we feel is necessary to our existence as human beings or we are pissed because we should have found this out before it went online. I have friends and family who do this to me all the time, which is the reason why I blocked certain members of my family so that at Thanksgiving, there is more to talk about than what they saw on Facebook. It sounds harsh, but I would rather have an actual conversation that may have a hint of vulnerability than come off as just another Facebook page.
Rachel,
You chose a very interesting article. I’ll admit that if someone had said, “can I admit to knowing things that you’ve done” I would be a little weirded out. It’s like being spied on by the FBI in my eyes, where they know every move you’re making and what you’re doing at all times. I thought it was very interesting how you applied it to forming relationships. It does seem as though Facebook creeping allows people to form snap, unsubstantiated judgments before they even know a person, and this can prevent what could prove to be very fulfilling relationships. It seems to me as though going through the motions, even the embarrassing ones, of establishing friendships is what creates long-lasting, quality bonds. Even if the relationship isn’t destined to last, it seems as though talking to people and slowly breaking down walls is a good way of developing both social skills and yourself as an individual.