I’ve been less than motivated this term. When I compare my work ethic last term to this, I’m falling way short. I really couldn’t pin down why, because my classes are interesting, and I’ve got great professors and classmates, but over the last two weeks I’ve started pinning it down to two major reasons. One: I’m not exactly thrilled by State College. When I first arrived here, I thought, great! A small town with not much to do will mean that I can really focus on school and not get distracted by all sorts of things. Boy, was I wrong. Instead of focusing on school, I get distracted from school with just how homogeneous and normatizing this town can be. Instead of being distracted by things to do here, I am distracted by how much there isn’t here: restaurants that are worthwhile (I’m vegan), places that cater to non-straight people, events where drinking isn’t the top priority. Of course, I don’t want to paint a totalizing picture of State College, but it has become distracting for what it lacks.
But this post isn’t supposed to be about that; it’s supposed to be about reason #2, which I only realized last night. I’ve heard time and time again that academia can be very isolating and lonely, especially the humanities, which still holds onto the romantic single-author isolated in his or her office, study, or cubicle, reading and writing away. Last term, I quickly built up a social and academic network of fellow graduate students, and we’d read each other’s work, we’d have coffee and discuss coursework or the field, we’d decompress together over dinner or drinks. It helped a lot that the other two incoming PhD students and I were all in the same three classes.
This term I don’t have classes with any of the people I got really close to last term. The classes I’m in are great, but I don’t really feel as connected to my classmates, and we don’t hang out outside of class very much. They’re awesome, smart people, but they’re not the community that I felt a part of last term. And because I’m not in class with those people I’m closer too (personally and scholarly), we don’t talk as much, we aren’t in the habit of seeing each other, and we go off on our ways to do our own coursework. Last night, I went to the Brewery to see my friend Adam’s band, and was able to spend time in a corner of the bar with a few folks, and we were able to have those conversations I miss so much — missed without even realizing it. I felt rejuvenated, and I realized this.
My best reading and writing experiences in graduate school have often been in the presence of others (concretely): sitting in a coffee shop together, three of us pounding away at our laptops, sharing what we’re reading, asking questions of each other. I think what I’m missing are those social moments outside of class.
EDIT: I want to be clear that there are amazing people in my department who I am close to and feel like I have this community. It’s more a matter of the classes I have this term — two of which aren’t in my department. Great classes, but I just don’t hang out with classmates outside of class like I did last term. Perhaps this already was clear, but I wanted to stress it.
Perhaps you should find some time to hook up with some folks down at ETS — my group has some interesting people who might help you get to some new ideas. Just let me know … cole |at| psu.edu
Your post accurately describes my feelings while living in Corvallis and going to OSU. Reason One is something that I didn’t even realize was making me extremely depressed, but the (social) geography of that town had a significant, negative impact on my mental health. Reason Two is something that I also struggled with. I felt extremely isolated, with the exception of that critical theory seminar we had together. I wasn’t even signed up for credit, but I went anyway, because that social learning you describe is hard to come by. Anyway, I felt like I had to respond, because you summed up my own thoughts about grad school so well. Here’s to you finding an intellectually stimulating circle of colleagues. Cheers.
Thanks, Cole! I’ll try to remember to contact you after spring break!
Chris, I completely understand your views on Corvallis. I liked it a lot there, but I was also connected to communities outside of the English dept (poetry slam and queer communities). Some terms I felt less connected to other grad students, but some terms I felt like there were great communities. Kinda depended on who was in my class and what the classes were.
Sociality and learning is hard to come by, and is part chance, part working toward it.
I hear this. At this point, somewhere around half the folks from my year are gone, and presumably most of the MFAs will be gone by the summer, as will some of the second-years I’ve gotten close to. Only one more semester of coursework after this, and given how lame our course offerings are next semester, it’ll probably be another independent study and a couple out-of-department seminars for me. In terms of genuine intellectual connection, I’d be pretty much lost if not for my Pepper Mill guys. I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately, with G especially, about various ways in which certain lessons and patterns of thought from my academic life map on to things outside of that life, and vice versa, and it’s turned out to be a really good way to feel connected and invested in substantive things without falling into the “so, uh, how are your seminars?” trap that gets so damn tiresome.
I don’t know. I’ve also been trying to get better at getting work done when I’m around people, since it seems like that’s probably the only way I’ll see anyone outside of Zeno’s and the occasional EGO thing, but I’m still not particularly good at it. (Not that I’m much better at getting work done alone, these days, but let’s ignore that for now.) You should come hang out with G and me sometime–it’s definitely the most rewarding intellectual community I have right now. 🙂
I find the isolation the biggest issue, and it can get worse as you move along, because that “cohort” in classes vanishes. I’m incredibly thankful for my Critical Studies Group, which gets together weekly, picks our own readings, and merges those conversations with our own work.
This winter, stuck mostly in the house by this remarkably disastrous injury, has been stunningly hard. But I’m trying to hang on, and keep writing.
Adam, the Pepper Mill crew is awesome. I do wish I hung out with you folks more! I will try to do so after break 🙂
Thanks, Ira, for your input. I hope recovery is going well (I have fallen so far behind in reading your blog), and I’m glad you’re staying connected with others via your Critical Studies Group.